Jokes and Funny sh*t

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say, "Congratulations."

But none of them rub your dick and say "Well Done." Rolling Eyes

You have posted in this forum: Sun Oct 18, 2009 5:13 pm Post subject:

Now that is funny!

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time ?"
Wink

You have posted in this forum: Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:46 pm Post subject:

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting ....
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband ....

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her 4-year-old son comes up and says,

'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[align=center]Something for our brains...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule
of thumb'
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.
------------
-- ------------ --------- --------
Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Coca-Cola was
originally green.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander,
the Great

Diamonds - Julius
Caesar
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- -----
------
Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A.
Obsession
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?

A. One
thousand
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?

A. All were invented
by women.
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

A.
Honey
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?

A. Father's
Day
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
-
------
It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------
------
At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
-
Don't delete this
just because it looks weird.

Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when....

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee

11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message..

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list

~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.

Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
elbow.

Education is the best provision for the journey to old age.

[/align]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoCqvnJFUUA&feature=related

DDM_Black6 wrote (View Post): › One for the ladies..... Laughing

He Said To Me!

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Now one for the men..... Sorry ladies Smile

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
If she can't afford a washing machine, she will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' allowing them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,

Who do you let in first?
The dog, of course : he'll definitely shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until...
They walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're sexy.

You have posted in this forum: Tue Nov 10, 2009 3:51 pm Post subject:

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin .

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

You have posted in this forum: Wed Nov 11, 2009 9:02 am Post subject:

lol

You have posted in this forum: Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:47 pm Post subject:

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and
say,
'Happy Birthday!'
and possibly have a small present
for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to
breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way,
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had
remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me?'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'

We went to lunch,
but we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to
the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
'Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying

a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

You have posted in this forum: Wed Nov 11, 2009 6:29 pm Post subject:

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He
tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he
points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of
the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he
removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis
bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems
likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is
clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge...Show him your BADGE!

You have posted in this forum: Tue Nov 17, 2009 3:28 pm Post subject:

The Deaf MAFIA BOOKKEEPER .
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would
not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court..

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is...

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Jersey !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers .. .. .