DDM_LuGz wrote (View Post): › Check it, I like the bit at the end: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhQVSyAAH0A

Shado it doesn't work on Pooftas!!!

I wasn't gonna say anything and see if you heard your nickname called

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals!

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. the doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and detailed examination. motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight.

'You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said,'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

The Knob

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're dead!!!!

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.


'All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
asking about the goatee.'

Subject: Amazing Words








Did You Know?


That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense; ate.
And

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in " illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag headed bastards with you."

How weird is that?

Disclaimer - the views represented in the above post do not necessarily reflect those of the poster.... I have nothing against wearing a towel on my head and goats.

Oldy but a goody...





A little girl on a plane



A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said



"Lets talk....I've heard that flights go much quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow

passengers.



The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger...........

"what would you like to talk about?"



"OH, I do not know" said the stranger...How about Nuclear Power? and he smiles.



OK she repied, "that would be an interesting topic."

But first let me ask you a question..................... a horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff,

yet a deer excretes little pellets

a cow turns out a flat patty

and a horse produces clumps of dried grass........Why is this so????????



The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girls intelligence thinks about it and says

"HHHHHMMMMmmmm!!! I have no idea"



to which the little girl replies



"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you dont know Shit"?

LMAO keep em come'n

A little Aussie boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the f*#*#g Post Office, ya wanker"

Aussie kids.... got to love em.

great one 6

lmao

The 1st Affair



A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

One for the ladies.....


He Said To Me!

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time


He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.