A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic bags behind her. One of the bags had ripped and every so often a $20 bill would fall out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag".

"Oh, my gracious", exclaimed the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thank you very much for telling me".

"Well now, not so fast", says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it did you?"

"Oh no, never!” replied the little old lady. "You see officer; my back yard is right next to a baseball field parking lot. On game days a lot of fans come to the fence and pee into my back yard, which kills the flowers I've worked so hard to grow. So I began standing behind the hole in the fence with my hedge clippers and each time one of those men sticks his thingy through the fence, I say, "$20 or off it comes".

"That seems only fair to me. "So Good Luck to you. Oh by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everyone pays."

Disability.... that was funny lol


HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery

plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her

a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still

haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want

to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your

final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took

my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he

sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took

to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear

he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating

that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something more

important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily

snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for

a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and

when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish

cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's

on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing

50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I

discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the

house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my

wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather

out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

_______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my

age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the

woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly

silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and

she processed my Social Security application..When I got home, I excitedly told

my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She said, 'You should

have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy

with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really

need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

Came across this one on the LOTRO EU forums a while back.
And since we are trying to revive the game on our end again this one came to mind again.
Sure as hell got me laughing.

Ventertainment - Nerd Confusion 3: The Ring
Nerds totally confused on vent.

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the Examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger

under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the

doctor again, reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the

midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around

and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it What Did you do?"

The doctor replied......."I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.

A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the attractive assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please", the man says. The cute little assistant nods, and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner." As the assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but I've got to admit it's quivering a little."

I went fishing this morning, but after a short
time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the
corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with
a frog in his mouth.

"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog
in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head,
took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I
going to release the snake without getting bit?

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured
a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled
back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and
carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that
same snake with two more frogs in its mouth.

My girlfriend says to me the other night, "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and climaxed all over her face....

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

If you know anyone from new zealand you'll know that they pronounce six as sux and fish n chips as fush n chups... The allblacks are their national rugby team...
The last reference to aussies is pretty accurate though....


Condom factory burns down in New Zealand :

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.


Hillen, its the hilth Munister here.
Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!!
I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.
It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.


PM: Shut !!
The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W' ill be ruined.


Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?

PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.

Hilth Munister: What about Australia ?

PM: I'll call Joolia Gizzard. Tell her we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.. That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM



Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Oi Oi Oi.

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.
He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father!
Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces?
That will be sweet revenge" And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship.
The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea.
Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and Said, "Oh no........
I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen.

---

Bdump dump bump...

http://t.co/cz0TdDFZ

Alan! Alan! Alan!

Perception is everything!

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30220

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....
she's 18, and her name is Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick It's great though. It provides me with everything i need -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please.".
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
-------------------------------------------------------------
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

On my 8th birthday my uncle has gave me a comic book, that was full with funny short jokes, i like it very much and i read that comic book yet, when i become sad. It gives me much fun.

An airplane crashed on the US/Canadian Border. A man asked one of the rescue workers where they buried the survivors. Can you guess where?