A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
Know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."

Drinking with a Texas Girl

A Mexican,an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same
bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his
glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'InMexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't
need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab,obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!),
throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with
the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl,cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,setting it on the bar, and calling
for a refill,she says,'In Texas,we have so many
illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless
TEXAS!!!

DDM_Demon wrote (View Post): › Drinking with a Texas Girl A Mexican,an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'InMexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab,obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Texas girl,cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass,setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,she says,'In Texas,we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' God Bless TEXAS!!!

Now thats a redneck for you...

Loot Hoarders.... I bet some of you still have char carvings in you bag.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

you wanna funny joke?
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well do ya?
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you sure?
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ill give you a funny joke
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ill give you a funny ass joke
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i swear
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youll be rofl'ing
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for hours dawg
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ok im gonna tell ya
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right now i swear
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its reeeealy funny
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you ready?
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are you sure?
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i dont think youre ready
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not at all
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you know what now im not gonna tell you
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just kidding
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<3
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fun right
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here it is
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go look in mirror











hi-fuckin-larious

lmao ..... I saw shady....... funny as hell....but kinda scary

An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse.


Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Naragon,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area..

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.



Ok all you wannabe legends.... how many you think you can do at Con this year...?????


Or we should put up a prize for the person who can or has attempted the most by say Xmas ?

Thoughts, opinions?
I really want to give some of these a go.

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and bundy and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

Subject: An Alert for Older Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.

This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.




Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.....




Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'




The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

DDM_LordShado wrote (View Post): › A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You Know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."

ROFLMMFAO!!!
I spit valuable whiskey and coke all over the place on this one!!
An absolute hit at work with a cool crowd, too.
*evil laughter*